Attention All Crooks

I have a suggestion for Illinois Governor Blagojevich and all other criminal minds. In the future, while your plotting your next illegal act, say nothing. Ever. Don't write anything down. Ever. Instead, in your conspiracy to commit heinous crimes, use an Etch-a-Sketch. Sure it will take a little longer to have a conversation with the other ne'er-do-wells that you associate with but the man won't be able to hear anything with his hidden bug. And there won't be a paper trail. Just write your devious scheme on the Etch-a-Sketch and when you're done, shake it and poof....all evidence of wrong doing is gone. What your honor? No. I was just drawing a skunk for my daughter.

I Thought I Had Seen Everything

I've been to about 80 countries so it's usually difficult to surprise or shock me. Especially in the USA.

I am on a weekend layover in San Francisco. I'm out walking around about 8:30am. It's me, party people who haven't gone home yet, homeless people and the truly crazies walking around the city. I end up at City Hall where workers are cutting all of the branches off all of the trees around City Hall. I have no idea why. They did succeed in making dozens of the ugliest trees I've ever seen. Then I come across the Farmer's Market. Everything looks normal. Good fruit, etc. Until I see this line of 50 or so Chinese people standing in front of a panel truck. Ohhh. I know this isn't going to be pretty. I get closer and in the truck are a gazillion cages full of big live chickens or roosters. When the person pays their money, the bird is yanked out of the cage, stuffed into a brown paper bag, the bag is stapled shut and the person takes the live bird in the bag away.....seemingly very happy. The person that is, not the bird.

I don't think they weren't buying the bird as a pet. And I don't see many farms in downtown San Francisco. So when they take the bird home, do they chop it's head off in the living room? Then what do they do with it? Doesn't the Publix have chickens already dead? I would have expected to see this in where ever. But not in a large city. Really weird.

Tis the Season

This happens throughout the year but it seems to happen more during the holidays.

I and Delta Airlines do not have free tickets to give away. I don't know of anyone at Delta who is in charge of charity or gracious old fashioned giving. Might I refer you to the person at Delta who took my retirement away. Maybe they can help you. Just yesterday, my doctor asked me if I knew someone at Delta who could give free tickets away to needy families. That always makes me feel weird. No I don't know but since you brought that up Doc, I do know of some needy folks who could use some free health care. Do you happen to know who in your office I can contact for that? What? You don't give away your services for free? Shocking.

I guess I should be flattered that people think that I am so important that the evil doers at Delta would give me such knowledge. No. I am just a lowly pilot. Wearing my ill fitting horse hair jacket and helmet.

An Easy Way to Watch the Senate Hearings

I was at the gym today and the TV was on CNN.

The lastest auto bailout hearings came on TV. And it actually was very enjoyable.

I was on the eliptical machine, very slightly delerious. I always smile when I see the note on the machine that says if I don't feel well to discontinue use immediately. I never feel well while I'm on that thing....especially for the first 10 minutes.

The key to watching the hearings was to have my Ipod on and when Senator Chris Dodd gave his opening speech to have Motley Crue, Same Old Situation on. And when the car bozos spoke, I had on Hungry Like the Wolf. It made it alot better. I could see their lips moving but had no idea what they were saying.

Senator Dodd is alot more patient than I would be. While he was giving his opening speech, there was this flurry of activity right behind him. People talking, handing papers back and forth. Creating quite the scene. I would have said, Yo....hello....I'm the big dog here, how about shutting up while I talk. OK? Let me know when you're ready. Get your stuff together before the hearing. Comprende?
I guess Senators can't do that.

And what's with the car CEOs travelling to Washington in a car? Why not hitch-hike. Are they that stupid? I guess they are. The first time they flew in their own corporate luxury jets and got spanked for that. Now they think, hmmmmm, better not use the jet, how can we get there? Let's drive all the way from Detroit in one of the crappy cars that we make. That should only take two days. Not like I've got anything better to do with my time. Instead of figuring out how to save the company, let's make a road trip out of it and see how many Peanut Buster Parfaits we can eat between Detroit and DC. Should be fun. And McDonald's has that dollar menu we can try too. Unbelieveable.

Only 12 Weeks Until CLD

What is CLD?

CLD is the most holy day on the calendar. It is Coat Liberation Day. March 1 is the day that I don't have to wear my Delta pilot uniform coat. On March 1, the happiest day of the year, until November 1, the saddest day of the year, I can wear my short sleeve shirt and that's it.

Why do I hate wearing that stupid double breasted coat? I tell ya.

First I feel like a pig in a blanket. All bound up with no freedom of movement. When you sit down you have to unbutton it. That's three buttons. When you stand up you have to button it. That's three buttons. You could leave it buttoned when you sit down but it would have to be really big for it to fit me when I sit down. I guess I could stop eating Twinkies and I could someday keep it buttoned when I sit down. When you go through security you have to take it off. More buttoning and unbuttoning.

Here's the real reason I hate that coat. I have something wrong with my internal thermostat. I have a tshirt on, a short sleeve pilot shirt and my Delta coat made of the finest horse hair. I also have on my Delta helmet, aka my pilot hat. Now the hat is a big deal and the evil doers at Delta get really upset when you don't have your hat on. We're the only airline that has to wear helmets. Every other airline it's either optional or they don't exist. So when I have my hat on and all of this other stuff and then I button up my jacket.....there isn't any airflow to my vital parts and pieces. And then I start to sweat like a stuck pig. So most of the time my jacket is unbuttoned. I think I look OK. David Letterman, the only other human on planet Earth who still wears a double breasted coat doesn't button his coat all the time. So I don't either. HA. Take that Delta. It's really a medical necessity. You don't want your pilot to overheat now do you?

Aren't You Glad?

Aren't you glad that the elections are over? All those negative ads. All that BS. Unfortunately in Georgia, it's not over. Since neither candidate for Senate won at least 50% plus one vote, we are having a runoff election tomorrow. The ads have been coming fast and furious for the last 3 weeks. I'm sure they are no different than they were when the Presidential race was on but because we are so removed from that these ads seem really bizarre. They are so negative. Have so much negative imagry. They look like really bad cartoons and they ring very hollow. Saxby, the Republican incumbant that will lose tomorrow, is running ad after ad that say if you vote for the other guy the world will end as we know it. Well Obama won and as far as I can tell from 39,000 feet last night, the world is still spinning.

So if the election is over where you live....be happy.

We have one more day to go.