The Happy LA Homeless Guy

I'm on the bus in LA and while we're at a stoplight there is this homeless guy on the sidewalk.

He's 40-50, beard, normal looking other than obviously homeless.

I would love to know his story.

Anyway, instead of having a sign that said will work for food or whatever, his was beautifully printed in big black letters on a very nice piece of cardboard.

It simply said, FUCK BUSH.

That's it. I was going to edit it but why?

That's what it said.

Very eloquent and to the point.

He was holding it up proudly.

So when he saw me looking at him and it, he smiled and gave me a thumbs up which he wanted me to reciprocate. How could I refuse a man of such integrity?

That made his day and off he went proclaiming his version of the good news.

Those Car Dealer Thingees

You know what I don't like?

Two things.

One, those license plate holders that car dealers put on your car when you buy it.

And even worse, stickers or a plate on the back of your car that has dealership on it. I've even seen one dealership that drilled holes into the back of the car and bolted that stupid thing on.

It ruins the whole design of the back of the car. And it's free advertising. Now if they want to pay me for it I would be happy to put those things on. I need the money.

So what happened to me?

I used to drive a 1984 Olds Omega that I got form my sister. It had lots of battle damage. The right headlight just hung from the wires. And the liner on the interior ceiling was held up with tacks. I didn't care about stuff on the back of the car. I just wanted it to run.

I got rid of it when you had to turn off the motor when stopped at a light or whatever because the cloud of noxious fumes would overcome you. This thing could be seen from outer space there was so much smoke coming from the back of it.

But people did give me the right of way. With that much damage and smoke emanating from the back, they figured "Mildred, stay a good distance from that car, they've got nothing to lose"! And they were right.

Back then, I didn't care where or how close I parked to someone. Go ahead and bang my door. Who cares? Now I do. Much more to worry about now.

Another thing I hate are those stupid fish on the backs of cars.

I'm a Christian too. But I don't' have a stupid fish on my car. See above, I hate things stuck on the back of my car.

I love it when the person with a fish is driving a huge SUV, about 40 miles over the speed limit, with a George W sticker on the back.

HA!

Memorial Day

I was flying over Memorial Day weekend.

On several long flights we had 4 or 5 military guys in BDUs (battle dress uniforms)coming back from Iraq.

They were coming home for their two week leave before going back to Iraq.

What was interesting and sad was that on Memorial Day, of all days, no one in first class offered to give up their seat to the soldiers. Not one.

Now in the past it has happened where someone in first gave up their seat, but not this weekend. No one really even looked at them. Maybe they were ashamed.

I wanted to pull people out of first, take them coach, and put the soldiers in first. But, I don't think that management would have liked me doing that.

It's not like anyone actually pays for first anyway. At least most people don't.

And it seems a small price to pay, especially on Memorial Day, when a soldier is lucky enough to be coming home, riding in the top of the airplane instead of in a box in cargo, to honor all service men on Memorial Day and give up your seat.

I actually would feel very honored to have the opportunity to do so. But I guess other people don't see it that way.

It's amazing to me that some people are adamant that the war is good thing and that anyone who disagrees with Bush is a Communist. And they support the troops by George. Unless it involves actually doing something other than running their mouth.

Happy Memorial Day

Cell Phones and Sleeping

Why is it that someone would be sleeping and have their cell phone on?

Invariably I'll call one of my friends and it sounds like the are asleep. And they are.

So if you are asleep, turn your #$*@ing phone off so I don't bother you.

It shouldn't bother me. And it really doesn't. Well yes it does. I just find it irritating that I call someone and they answer but are unable to talk because they are unconscious.

I understand people's home phones have to be on all the time if they have kids or whatever.

If you call me after I go to sleep, the phone is turned off. You ain't getting me. If someone is dead at least I'll be rested when I hear about it.

My Great Uncle

This is complicated but I'll try my best.

My great uncle is 90. His wife "mother" as he called her died a few years ago.

Now that "mother" is gone, he is now in heat.

He likes the women folk. At 90.

So his daughter is coming to visit with one of her friends. Now she's bringing the friend because the rest of the family is certifiabley insane and she's using her friend as a buffer from the rest of the nuts.

She takes abuse from them and she can't deal with it so her friend, the "peach" is coming too.

The problem is that the peach has visited before and my 90 year old great uncle in heat has made very inappropriate sexual remarks to her.

The peach is about 65 and is unhappily married.

My cousin is frantic that her father, the one in heat, will say something gross to the peach.

They are all staying at his house.

But you know that the peach loves it. Why else would she come back? She knows exactly what is going on and loves the attention. Evidently even from a 90 year old man in heat.

They are coming for two weeks.

I really wish that I could film this entire circus. Unfortunately I don't live where they do. But if I did, I could make millions form the tape.

Delta Airlines

I'm really tired of talking about Delta but I'm going to anyway.

The psychology of their handling of us fascinates me.

We are like little dogs. They know exactly what we will do. More or less. Every once in a while they beat us too often and we unexpectedly bite back but that is rare.

Their initial offer to us was to cut off both of our arms and both of our legs.

Of course we were horrified.

After they let that horror stew in us for about 4 months, they then agreed to only cut off one arm and one leg. What a relief. Only one arm and one leg. Whew!

Now if they had initially told us it was going to be one arm and one leg, we would have never done it. But since they managed our expectations, they won.

I just flew with a co-pilot who was a retired military officer. They usually aren't too fun to fly with but this guy was OK.

I asked him if he was going to vote yes or no for the proposal presented to us now. The one arm and one leg thing.

He said, Oh I'm voting yes. Why? I asked. Well, because I thought it would be much worse.

Exactly. The evil doers had freaked him out with the two arms and two legs and he was ecstatic he was keeping one limb.

My flight with a Desperate Housewife

Finally, a big celebrity on my plane.

One of the Desperate Housewives was on my plane the other day.

I can't tell you which one because I am paranoid of the evil doers that I work for.

I don't trust them. If I put which one on here they would look up her flight record, see who the pilots were, and then they might be mean to me. And then I would cry. Like anyone reads this anyway.

Ok, but there she was. Much more beautiful than on TV. Very thin and very very sweet.

She slept most of the flight. That was good. Because when I came out of the cockpit to use the restroom she was asleep and I could stare at her. Couldn't do that if she was awake.

The guy sitting next to her was about 60. He was clueless. Had absolutely no idea who she was. Which was good for her. I guess.

Of course I sat next to Tyra Banks a few years ago and didn't know who she was. I just thought she was a tall lady with big ones and tight jeans.

What do I know?

American Idol

The American Idol finale was of course on last night.

It was really good. I think one of the best ever.

The two finalists are horrible but the show was really good.

Prince was really good. And I'm not a huge Prince fan. Dion Warwick was there too. For 187 years old, she looked great.

The funniest moment on TV has to be from this show.

They gave this bogus award to some kid who auditioned in the show in the beginning. He thought he was Clay Aiken. So they had him sing, Don't let the sun go down on me.

This kid is really horrible. So he starts singing. A few bars into it, Clay comes out from behind him. The crowd goes wild. The kid thinks it for himself. He can't see Clay yet. When he does see Clay, I actually think he peed his pants. He almost lost it.

Then, he's supposed to sit down and let Clay belt it out. But he decides to sing a duet with Clay which freaks Clay out because he can't hear himself for this horrible racket this kid is making. Really really funny TV. Of course at the expense of this kid. I don't think he got it though.

and Clay.

What was that on his head? A small rodent? If you didn't see it his hair was hard to describe. Very strange. Didn't even look like Clay.

And he for sure didn't look like he did that time I chatted with him in that chat room.

The LA Bus and the Old People

I've been staying in LA on a few layovers. We stay downtown and there isn't much to do there. Across the street is the metro station for the train and there are buses everywhere.

I always heard that LA had a horrible mass transit system. I think it's awesome.

The buses are spotless, easy to figure out where they're going and it's only $3 to ride it all day long. And they are packed. People use these buses. Alot.

But here is the interesting thing about the bus. I love people watching so the bus is entertainment in itself. Great to see how other people live and observe human nature.

On the bus, the old people rule.

If a senior gets on the bus and there isn't a seat, they go up to whoever they want and tell them to get up. They want that seat. And the amazing thing is....they get up.

They say that to some very scary looking characters. They'll say it to anybody. It's amazing. People get up.

The bus has a strong sense of unwritten rules or something. It's hard to put my finger on it. But it's like everybody on there knows that this is how they have to travel so we're all going to get along and play by the rules.

Very interesting.

Al Gore

First, why isn't my picture on my profile working anymore?

And why don't I like Al Gore?

I mean he really makes me sick.

And I have never met him.

Why is it that I find an instant dislike with some people and others I really really like and I don't know either of them.

It's like there is something in their DNA that is clashing with mine.

I instantly don't like Al.

Does he remind me of someone or some situation deep in my head that I find repulsive?

If I got to know him would I like him?

No way. It wouldn't happen.

I get vibes from people and he gives me the creeps.

Even with my cousin who makes me really sick to my stomach I can't like him.

I've tried.

Almost like I'm going to try to like liver.

I say, OK, I'm going to try this and look at it in a new way.

It doesn't work. I still want to puke.

My cousin does that to me. To me, he is a big plate of liver.

My Union and the Real Union (this is funny)

The Airline Pilot's Association is the union I belong to.

We are very predictable. At least at Delta.

We are all psychologically screened and we are mostly all clones.

The outcome of the recent contract debacle is not surprising.

We always cave. We always have and always will.

We are scared little boys.

Now here is the funny part.

The union has office workers. They are unionized also.

I didn't know that.

Guess what?

The office workers for my union are right now on strike.

HA!

Could that be more ironic.

The office workers of our union have the guts to stand up for what they believe in but the people they work for don't.

Immigration

I'm glad Bush is finally doing something about securing our borders.

I hope that it's not just talk and something actually happens.

Of course the National Guard is going to have to go back on active duty for another year. Those poor guys are supposed to be used for World War III. Not as a cheap labor force so there doesn't have to be so many active duty members.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot more international flying lately.

What struck me as weird when coming back in the country is the following:

Of course when I as an airline crew member go through security, I'm treated as a criminal. In the past I've had a top secret clearance, been fingerprinted a zillion times and have a valid airline ID and I've got this very cool comfortable (not) uniform.

But when I go through immigration and customs coming back into the US, they are very stern and strict. They too treat me as a criminal.

Why do we spend so much time securing entry spots to the US at airports when we don't at the border. You can just walk across. But if you fly in on a plane they are going to give you the third degree.

Let's save some money. When you get off of the airplane from another country just walk on in. Like you do on the Mexican border. Maybe chase somebody every once in a while, but for the most part just sneak off the plane and run.

Let's be consistent.

Fads and Style

When did the memo come out that switched everybody from short spikey hair to long shaggy hair?

Who decides this and how is it disseminated and why do people pay attention to this?

Is this done consciously or is it gradual?

When I was growing up, I don't remember any of my friends really caring too much about their hair. And we for sure didn't put anything in it.

Also, at what age is it that if you keep up with the trends you look like an idiot?

It's probably about 30.

If after 30, you are still dressing and looking like a high school or college student it's time for a change.

I would no more walk around with the front of my shirt tucked in and the back out than do anything. Where did that come from? That to me seems unbelievably ridiculous. Why would anyone copy that?

Where is my AARP card?

Thank goodness I'm not that old.

Yet.

Delta Customer Service

I was walking to the gate in Atlanta to go on my next flight. I wanted to check what gate it went out of because there was some confusion on the departures screen.

I call the Delta Flight Info line. It is an automated system. But it tells me that it will connect me with a representative. That means that something is messed up if I have to talk to a live person. The flight has been cancelled or something.

So on comes Susie from India. She has a very shrill high pitched voice and she speaks English with a crazy Indian accent. I say, "could you tell me what gate flight 123 is leaving from in Atlanta". I had to repeat that 3 times before she understood me. Then she said please wait and put me on hold 3 different times. It took her 7 minutes to figure out how to get that information out of the computer.

Even I know how to do that. You first sit in front of the thing that has a keyboard and a TV screen. Then you look to see if there is a flashing light on the TV screen. Then type next to the flashing light, JLAN(flight number)(departure city). Up pops the gate. It is that easy. It took her 7 minutes.

I guess I don't mind if we outsource our calls to India if that is what it takes to make money these days. Actually I do mind. But is it too much to ask that the person on the other end of the phone actually knows what they are doing?

That is one thing that Delta and other companies really stink at. And that is quantifying things that aren't easily quantifiable.

It's easy to say that getting Indians to answer our calls saves X number of dollars.
But what is the cost of lost business, good will, customer frustration due to the inaptitude of the outsourced calls?

I guess the employees will have to continue to pay for the stupid decisions of management.

LA Passenger

I flew a trip the other day to LA from Atlanta. It was scheduled to get in late in the evening. The first half of the flight was kinda bumpy. Not too bad. Just annoyingly bumpy.

So this 20 something blond female gets off of the plane and says "I would like to speak to the Captain". I said, "that's me".

She said that other than the flight she had where they had an emergency landing, this was the worst she had been on. She wanted to give me some advice.

She said I should have made more announcements and kept the passengers informed about the turbulence. I told her that first, the movie was on and second, it was late at night. People might be sleeping. That was my rational.

So she ranted some more and then said, "are you just nodding up and down at me to make me go away or are you listening to me"?

I was really tired. It was late Atlanta time.

I said, What have I done to make you believe that I'm not listening to you? I'm standing here, looking at you and listening to what you're saying.

Nutcase.

unfortunately, it is against Delta policy for me to actually strangle a passenger, so I had to restrain myself.

Rep. Patrick Kennedy and the privileged class

Patrick Kennedy runs over a huge metal barrier at 3AM in Washington D.C.

He is driving with no headlights on.

When will people ever learn?

He is like the kid who is caught with his cookies all over his face and he denies to his mother that he had even one cookie.

The capitol Police saw the accident happen. He almost took out a police car.

When the radioed in what happened and who it was, a police supervisor or some high ranking police official arrived and would not allow them to give Patrick a sobriety test or blood alcohol level test.

I wonder what their protocol is that at 3 am they can get their act together so fast as to cover up for a US Representative?

Does the dispatcher hit a big red button? Does a big alarm go off at the Chief's house?

Patrick's story now is that he was taking a prescription anti-nausea medication and he also took a prescription sleeping pill before the crash.

We're supposed to believe that he took a sleeping pill like Ambien and then decided to drive?

There is only one thing that is going to happen if you take Ambien. You're going to sleep and very soon. Also, anyone who has ever taken Fenegren or a similar anti-nausea medication knows that very soon you will also be asleep. Or at least bombed.

So, either one of our representatives was drunk, driving with his lights out at 3am and smashed into a barricade, OR he is so unbelievably stupid that he took two medications guaranteed to put him to sleep before he drove the car.

I think that I would choose the drunk story. It's obviously the true one.

People appreciate the truth. When will public figures ever learn that? If Nixon had told the truth he wouldn't have had to resign. If Clinton told the truth he would have deflated the sails of those out to get him. The truth is powerful.

Yep, I was drunk. Sorry. I screwed up.

You have to give him some latitude considering his gene pool. Don't you?

But what is unbelievably offensive is the way he was treated by police.

If he was anyone else, like you and me, he would have gone to jail.

If he was a minority, they might have beaten the crap out of him and then sent him to jail. It's the police's word against yours. Who do you think they will believe?

What a great example to send to our kids.

If you are powerful and have status, laws don't apply to you.

If your an average citizen, or God forbid poor, you are screwed.

My Grandparents

My grandparent's birthdays are within 3 days of each other.

My grandpa just turned 95 and my grandma turned 93.

They still live in their house. My family provides some daily assistance to them.

My grandfather can hear almost nothing. My grandma could hear a pin drop 35 miles away. My grandpa's mind is very sharp. My grandma could no more tell you what day it was if she had to. My grandpa has a very hard time getting around. My grandma until recently still cut the yard. She still takes care of her roses and messes around in the garden. They are a really good team. It's amazing how each one of their physical shortcomings is complemented by the other's strengths. I think next year, if they make it that long, they will have been married 75 years. That is a really long time. But time seems to go faster the older you get. And before you know it, 10 years has gone by, then 20. My career at Delta is already half over. I can't believe that. It seems like I just started.

The other interesting thing about them is that they would give anything to be 80. Or even 85. Heck, they'd take 89. It's all relative. Watching them makes me really appreciate life and feeling well. I can't begin to imagine what life is like at 95. They are so vulnerable. And stubborn.

I was visiting the other day and my grandma said she could feel the end was near. She's never said that before. I tried to get her to explain that to me. What was she feeling? What did that mean? How did she know? How did she feel differently than 6 months ago? Because she didn't feel that way then. She couldn't tell me but just said that she could feel it coming. Almost like a cloud or something coming over you. That was the impression I got. She's not sick and doesn't really feel any differently other than the fact that she feels that her time is very very short.

I've never had anybody close to me die. Which is amazing for someone as old as me.

I guess I'll have to experience it. No choice.

Demonstrations

Our country is really run by a bunch of weenies.

The illegal aliens in our country all decided to demonstrate yesterday.

The key word here is illegal. Can I get an Amen please. Thank you.

I am not judging them or saying that they are bad people. But they are illegal. They broke our law when they entered this country illegally.

So what if a million known wanted criminals (for different crimes of course) all decided to have a rally or demonstration and made it public who they were and what they were doing. What would the police do? Would they do nothing? I don't think so.

The hipocrisy is amazing.

Ask a black man if he has ever been stopped by the police or hassled by them when he did nothing wrong. Or a kid with long hair or someone who looked a certain way if they've been profiled by the police and stopped.

So why don't the authorities arrest or detain people in our country who are assembling and demonstrating who admit they are illegal aliens and have broken our laws? Why not give them lemonade and a free lunch?

If the police stop and harrass people who have done nothing wrong other than having the wrong skin color than why don't they arrest people who admit they broke our laws.

It's one thing to come to this country illegally to better yourself or family and keep quiet about it. It's another to stick it in our face and say "hey, I broke your law so what"? That truely is contempt for our system.

Why aren't they afraid to admit they are illegal?

Shouldn't they be afraid of deportation?

Why are we willing to have our soldiers come home in boxes or pieces but not protect our homeland from an invasion from the south?

Airline Union Contracts

I actually understand when the general public is unable to comprehend what we're going through here at the airlines.

The airline job is like no other.

I only get paid for the time that I am actually flying. So if I'm flying a 4 day trip, I only get paid for 20 hours. I am gone from home for 4 days and three nights and get paid for 20 hours. That is why our hourly rate seems so high. All of the time sitting at the airport, hotel wherever, if I'm not in the air I'm not getting paid anything.

When I hear of other airline pilot's problems, struggles and contracts, I usually am as confused as the general public. We all talk in code and it's hard to understand what it's like at the other airline.

For instance, at Delta we call a trip a rotation. At other airlines it's called a pairing or something else. We call the head flight attendant the On Board Leader (I used to think I was the onboard leader but evidently the Captain has been replaced by the flight attendant), at other airlines they are the purser, number 1, A line whatever. So before I can begin to understand their work rules I have to understand their lingo. Usually it's too confusing to even try.

So when you hear of airline contracts and union/management difficulties, just remember the bottom line. Management is trying to screw the worker bees and get them to work for nothing and that's just about all you need to know.

PS. What is sad in America is that most people think that's just fine as long as they get to fly from NY to LA for $49 round trip in first class with a steak dinner. Who cares about the worker? Right? You should. Because it's happening to all industries now. Jobs going to India. Your tax return prepared by a CPA in India. Did you know that? Try to buy anything not made in China. High gas prices due to the buffoonery in Washington. We've know about the gas problem since 1973. Hello?

Sick Leave

In our new horrible agreement with Delta that I hope doesn't pass, Delta has greatly reduced our sick leave.

This really makes me angry and a little bit sick.

There are probably 2% of the Delta pilots who abuse sick leave. By this I mean that they call in sick when they aren't really sick.

The rest of us are honest.

Now there are times that every pilot, or at least most, have called in sick because of some life event. Someone's getting married, or your child has a very important event. They call in sick because they can't get the time off any other way. If you tell management of your predicament, then they know, and they don't let you off you're hosed.

Also, a pilot can't fly with even a cold. Or taking any medication unless approved by the FAA.

So Delta wants to penalize me for the few that do abuse sick leave. We do have a few pilots who view sick leave as personal days and take all of them.

They're willing to save a few dollars to make employees angry and bitter. They never think about the long term. And they can't quantify employee good will and morale. They can however quantify sick leave. They are so short sighted and moronic.

They do that with everything. If it can't be measured numerically it doesn't exist.

The founder of Delta C.E. Woolman said it best. All airlines are the same. The planes are the same etc. It is the people that make the difference. He was right. We thought that way for 75 years. Now here we are. With managers, not leaders, who will leave with multi-million dollar deals from the company once they get done destroying us.

Rude behavior

Let's say you're at the grocery store or Target or wherever.

You're in line and the place is busy.

A new checkout line opens and the person says, "I can take someone over here".

The guy behind you or several behind you, just about knocks 5 people over to get there.

It seems to me that the next person should be the one to go over there.

Maybe a little politeness.

People are so rude these days.

It seems to be regional too.

If I go to the Northeast, people are really wound up tight. But in the Midwest, it seems way more polite. That is an generalization but it seems true to me.

People need to learn some manners. Especially on the phone.

If you call me up and I say hello and the first thing you say is "who is this?" the next thing you will hear is a dial tone. You will call back and either say who is this again at which point I will hang up again or you will say there is something wrong with my phone. I will ask why, you will say because every time I call I get disconnected. I will then say, you're not getting disconnected, I'm hanging up on you. Don't parents teach their kids how to talk on the phone?

When people cut in front of me in line I usually say something.

If they do it at the grocery store when they open another lane, I just key their car.

No, not really. That is what is going through my mind for about 15 seconds and then I'm over it. I really don't think that most people that do that even know what they're doing.