Total Immersion

On Thursday I went home. I felt like this tractor beam was pulling me home whether I liked it or not.

That morning the care giver told my Grandfather that I was coming home and he moved his eyebrows up and down several times. That was it but I think he understood. I got home around 2pm and the whole family was there. My nieces, nephews, brother and sister. We all were around his bed and he looked good to me. Completely unresponsive but his color was good, breathing kind of weird but didn't look too bad. We all stayed in his bedroom at home until about 5pm then everybody but my parents and I left. That's when he started to go downhill. I think he knew everybody was there and when they left that's when it changed. His feet got cold, his face looked different. That continued until 8pm when we were in and out of the room. My Grandmother was sitting on the couch in the living room. 8pm is when she goes to bed so I said goodnight to my Grandpa and told him if he needed to go it was OK and I loved him.

About 30 minutes later the caregiver called upstairs and said get down here right now. Down the stairs my Dad and I go and there is my Grandfather. Very white and very dead. All of the effort that you could see on his face that he had put into staying alive was gone. He looked totally at peace. Very relaxed. This was the care giver's 6Th person to die at home so she is a pro. She had a towel rolled up against his jaw to keep his mouth closed and as I walked into the room she said, here, hold this and ran away to get something else. I'm like, excuse me, would you please come back as fast as you can...this isn't in my job description or even remotely anything I think I can handle. But I did.

My mom wouldn't come in the room. It was just me, my Dad the caregiver and Grandpa.
I walked into the room about 2 minutes after it happened and my initial impression was that Grandpa was about a gazillion miles away. I felt like he was so ready that he was a beam of light that just took off and was just a faint streak that went that way....about straight north. The caregiver is real country and she let us know that she had opened the bedroom window so that his spirit could get out. Well I felt he was long gone....no window required but that was nice.

Next step was to call hospice and wait for the RN to pronounce death. He came and then the two most creepy people from the funeral home got there at about 11:30pm. He died at exactly 9pm. Then I felt this very strong sense of obligation to stand guard for my Grandpa. I didn't stand right next to him but I was in and out and was in the next room with my Mom and Grandma. I just felt like some loved one needed to be there with him until the funeral guys came to take him away. And that job was mine. I didn't feel creeped out at all. I felt honored to be there. And when the two guys took him out of bed that's when it really hit me and I told the hospice nurse that at that moment....It's official....this really sucks. He said, yep you're right, it seems very final now.

Then we had the funeral on Monday. I was slightly bombed on a Xanax but I don't think I needed it. All it did was make most of the pictures that I took come out really blurry and I don't take blurry pictures.

So goodbye Grandpa, see you soon and we'll go fishing.

Dying

My 97 year old grandfather and my 95 year old grandmother just celebrated their 76th wedding anniversary. They live in the basement of my parents house. There is a caretaker there from 8am-8pm.

My grandfather is in the active phase of dying. I didn't know there was such a thing but according to the hospice nurse there is. She said he wouldn't last more than 24-48 hours. It's now 72 hours. But it won't be long now. He's basically in a coma and the hospice nurse gave them some morphine to keep him from being really agitated. Now he doesn't move at all.

I am very conficted. One on hand, I wish that he would go today. He needs to go. Then when I think that, I am horrified that I am wishing that my grandfather would die. Very strange. I don't like dying, death, funeral parlors, funerals and everything associated with it. I want to hide under the bed and just tell me when it's over. I know who my grandfather is and was, I know what he looked liked and I don't to see him dead in a box. When my parents or my spouse die...I will be there. But I only have so many funerals in me.....this is probably one of them but I don't know.

Having this death vigil is just really bizarre. In 2008, it's all supposed to be so sterile and removed. This is in my parents house. Which is the way is really should be and the way it was for a gazillion years before now.

My grandmother is fine because she is clueless. Occasionally she knows something bad is happening but it doesn't last long. My brother-in-law came to visit for several hours yesterday and when he left my grandmother asked my mother, "who was that man?" "He kept holding my hand. Where does he live?" My mom said he lives with your granddaughter. My grandma said, "Oh isn't that nice that he lives with her and helps her out."


Hmmmm...what to do. I guess I'll go home today. And face the music.

Episode #2 - "9/11 Changed Everything"

Fun With War Crimes-Episode#1 "Heckuva Job!"

More Cowbell

July is a really busy month for me and the only thing that helps me get through it is more cowbell.

MTV

I haven't watched MTV for 20 years. That is until my last layover. I guess they don't have music videos anymore. It's all reality shows. The one I watched was about a fat kid who wanted to be prom king. They were going to give him a make-over to see if that helped. I didn't watch long enough to see what happened. That loss will live with me forever.

What was very disturbing to me about MTV was a commercial they had on.

It showed two teenagers in bed. The girl was asleep and the guy just woke up. They had a one night stand and he was so wasted that he didn't remember anything or who she was....so he needed to get out of there before she woke up. He puts on his clothes, sort of, falls out of bed and sneaks out of the house. They show him stumbling down the street going home. The announcer says, when you haven't got enough sleep, are hungover and need to get going, drink this. An energy drink.

What a great message for kids. Go get wasted. Have sex with a stranger while your wasted. Wake up in a place you don't know where you are. Hey, that's cool boys and girls because when you drink this energy drink it will all be better. Your pregnancy and HIV will disappear. As will all of the STDs that you've just contracted.

Good job MTV.

Tomatoes

Why can't I eat a tomato?

Did you ever think you would live in a world where you couldn't eat a tomato?

And how can you screw up a tomato? Don't they grow on a vine? You pick them, wash them and stick them in a box. And then when you buy them, you wash them some more. So how can a tomato get so fouled up?

I want my tomatoes.

Tim Russert

This was a sad week. Tim Russert died.

I really liked Tim Russert.

He was outstanding on Meet the Press. Most of the time the subject matter was really dry. But watching Tim set the trap for politicians that are incapable of telling the truth was priceless. He would ask them a question, they would answer and then he would put up a quote from the guest that directly contradicted what they had just said. Sweet.

Tim came accross on TV as genuinely being a really good guy. You couldn't help but like him. And he loved politics so much and got so excited about it. He made this election year something to really get into.

So now we're left with the likes of Wolf Blitzer (yawn and yuk) and all of the other talking heads that I just can't stomach.

NBC is totally hosed now. Tim was the man. It will be interesting to see what they do for Meet the Press this Sunday. My guess is that Tom Brokaw better get a refund from the old folks home for about 6 months (and keep those Botox appointments going).

So, bye Tim.

I never really thought I would miss any TV political journalist but I'll miss you.

I'm Voting Republican!

Future Generations

Because of the tax rebates that were supposed to stimulate the economy, the US had the highest April budget deficit ever. The talking heads were moaning about the deficit and saying that it was putting a huge burden on the future generations that would have to pay it back. Who exactly are the future generations? That’s like saying I’m going to stop eating ice cream tomorrow….right after I have my last bowl today. Tomorrow never comes. Are we paying back today the deficits that were run up 30 years ago? No. Why not? Because we have very important things to do today. We don’t have time today to pay back the deficit. That’s for future generations.

Before you begin paying anything back, you have to have a balanced budget and then have a surplus. When Clinton had a surplus, all the politicians could think about was how were we going to spend this extra money. Or they want to lower taxes and give it back to you. It’s your money right? McCain wants to lower taxes. You can’t pay off the deficit by lowering taxes and then if were’re lucky to have some extra money we spend it.

Americans are like two year olds. We have the attention span of a flea. I think that’s mainly due to nonexistent leadership and the media. Remember when the bridge fell down in Minneapolis? Remember the hysteria? Our infrastructure is crumbing. What are we going to do? Do you ever hear anything about that now? No. All we hear about is gas prices. That’s the crisis du jour.

The only way any meaningful change will happen in our country is when the pain level gets too great. And by then it's usually too late and if it's not too late then fixing the problem is really going to hurt. It’s getting there will oil prices. As far as the deficit goes. Thank goodness for tomorrow and future generations. Let them pay for it. Because tomorrow will never come.

FedEx Kinko's

Kinko's really need to get their act together.

I need 40 3 ring binders with a color front page and tabs between the sections.

Kinko's has this online service that you can upload files, choose this and that and voila...they will ship it to you all made up....just right. Cool.

No uncool. I get a call from the Kinko's that is printing the job for me and they tell me that they can't put the writing on the tabs. The tabs aren't big enough. The type would have to be 6pt which would require a magnifying glass to be taped to each binder. The website said they could make the tabs the way I want but this guy on the phone says no. And the writing on the tabs is just a few letters. It makes no sense. So I say to the guy, go ahead and print everything and give me a refund on the tabs. Oh, I can't do that. You prepaid. You'll have to call corporate.

So I call Dave at Kinko's corporate. I explain the situation to him and tell him I want a refund on the tabs. He says he can't because he doesn't know how much I paid for the tabs. What we would have to do is wait until the order is done, call the button pusher in Augusta, Ga who is printing my job and ask him how much to refund. What??? This guy can't even print 2 words on a tab much less tell me how much I paid for them. So I tell Dave in corporate to just cancel the order and I call the button pusher in Augusta. I make sure that Dave has called and cancelled this order for me. He said he had but he had already printed the job, except for the tabs, and he didn't know what to do with it.

I could think of quite a few things he could do with it.....but I refrained.

In corporate America, there is only one thing that is really important. Customer service. Finding a copying machine in the US isn't really difficult. So if Kinko's wants to stay in business, they need to get the customer service bandwagon fired up because it's broken.

CNN, Oil and fast Changes

For the past month or so, CNN has been running this documentary. I think it's called, we were warned. It's about the oil mess. It must have been shot late winter because there are no leaves on the trees but it doesn't look really cold.

The premise of the show is an oil crisis. A made up event happens in September 2009 to make oil jump to....are you ready? $140/barrel. And then they go on about all of the hysteria that would cause. And it is a doomsday scenario. Well, between the time they shot that (and obviously they never thought oil would get that high so fast) and now....it's at their doomsday price. And nothing they predicted with the gloomy music has happened yet.

When Delta was in bankruptcy and they were taking away my pay and retirement, they were moaning that they couldn't make money with $70/barrel oil. Can't do it. All the airlines will stop flying and you and your family will surely starve to death. $70/barrel? Those were the good old days.

This is great

Felix sent me an email. He works for a consulting firm in the UK and for some reason thinks I am the CEO of Delta Airlines. Helloooo???? Cukoooo Cukkoooo. Do you know one good way of finding out who the CEO of Delta is Felix? Well, for starters you could Google it. Then you would find out that Sean Smith is not the CEO of Delta. The CEO of Delta is our new Dick. This is very tempting though. Think of all those fees I could charge. And I could pull it off too. Hello, Felix? It's Dick. You know, the Delta Dick. Yes, it's really me. What can I do ya for? Then I would make a sound like I was puffing on a large cigar and I could have a friend of mine make airplane noises. Speak up Felix. I'm out here watchin my boys fly the big jets. That would be really fun.



felix leworthy has sent you an InMail:

Your perspective on the Airport services industry.

I am a Research Associate at *******, a primary research firm, which specialises in facilitating consultations with leading industry specialists.

****** manages a network of leading specialists from a variety of industries. Our clients are financial investors or their advisors, who frequently wish to gain a clearer perspective on industry developments and approach ******* in search of specialists.

Considering your view on the Airport services sector as a customer, in particular as CEO at delta airlines, we believe that you could provide our client with an interesting perspective on the market.

If you are interested in pursuing this opportunity, we would like to schedule a brief phone conversation to provide you with additional details. In the meantime, there is the option of registering as a specialist on our website: www.******.com.

Some important information:
• The topics of the consultation are completely confidential. To avoid any potential conflict of interest, the topics are always defined in advance.
• Consultations are usually done over the phone, at the specialist's convenience, and last for approximately an hour.
• You are free to determine your own compensation but also have the opportunity to donate your fee to a UK-registered charity.

Based on the timescales provided by our client, we kindly ask you to answer within the next 24 hours. Please feel free to contact me by e-mail or phone if you require additional details.

If you do not wish to participate in this consultation, but would for future projects, please advise me accordingly and kindly forward details of a more suitable candidate.

Kind regards,

Felix.

Why didn't this run?

Why didn't this excellent ad run during the primaries?

My niece slaps me down

My niece is 13 years old and going into the 8th grade. She is very very sweet. She also has every issue of Teen Vogue, whatever that is. She is a popular cheerleader and came to visit for the weekend. She lives in another town. She wants to be a fashion designer. I know nothing about fashion. I have two outfits. Summer and winter. I am now in my summer attire which consists of Khaki shorts and usually a blue t-shirt or polo shirt. Occasionally I will really go out on a limb and wear a different colored polo shirt. I wear the same white tennis shoes and white socks that I have worn forever. The socks aren’t those little bootie things. I hate those. But they’re not the socks that go all the way to your knee either. Just plain old white athletic socks.

So we go to the neighborhood pool. There is a 6 year old little girl who is all by herself and befriends my niece. They are playing together in the pool when I hear this shrill voice…..Sonja, Sonja, SONJA. It’s coming from the lower level of the pool where the slide comes down. After much screaming (Sonja doesn’t respond because she’s swimming) here comes Sonja’s mother. She has what appears to me to be a dark brown leather bikini on. I am informed by my niece that it only looks to be leather. She has a very dark tan and humongous designer sunglasses on. She has some kind of expensive designer footwear on that she needs more practice walking in before she goes out in public again and the best part is……..she has on a huge, brown designer cowboy hat. It was a sight to behold. I thought I was at the Beverly Hills Hotel and a crazy movie star had just entered the area. She shrieks at Sonja and tells her that when she calls her to respond. I am sitting in a chair not far from the pool. She says, Oh Sonja, you have a new little friend. She interrogates my niece about do you live here, how old are you etc. The purpose of this grilling is to determine if my niece is available to babysit her two adorable, unwanted, accessories.I mean children. She finds out that she isn’t from the neighborhood and my niece, having impeccable manners, introduces me to this woman. She says I am visiting my uncle and that’s him over there. I wave and start to get up to say hello and this woman looks over at me, gives me a condescending sneer and says…hello Uncle and turns back to my niece and continues to chat. After a few more seconds, she dismisses both of us, goes to her chair and begins to talk incessantly on her cell phone.

I thought this lady was somewhat entertaining in her appearance and obvious self important but I thought she was really rude in the way she just dismissed me like I was a bag of trash. I told my niece this on the way back to the house and she said, “Well, maybe she saw your socks”. I said what? She said you know….those socks you have on. I said that in the world is wrong with my socks? Obviously they are supposed to be little booties and if I am going to wear these hideous socks…..please, don’t pull them up.

Oh well. Put in my place by an 8th grader.

Airplane Wheel of Fortune

Airplane Wheel of Fortune is played this way.

I am deadheading once again from LA to Atlanta on a 757. The 757 is a long metal torture tube that has 3, and I use this term very loosely, seats on one side and 3 seats on the other side of a small aisle. Luckily when I deadhead I am in uniform. Some people choose to be in regular clothes to blend in but I think it’s much better to be in uniform because I have better freedom of movement and I get treated a lot better. If I want to go stretch my legs, I can hang out in the galley where a lowly paying passenger would be quickly shooed back to their seat by the 78 year old flight attendant. You do have to put up with the stupid comments like, “gee, can you reach the pedals from back here”? But I think it's worth it to travel in uniform.

Now back to our game. The Airplane Wheel of Fortune. I get on the airplane first before any other passengers because I am in uniform, working and I want to stow the 300 lbs of junk I have before the rest of you take up all of the overhead space. I am now sitting in my aisle seat. Yeaaaaa! I got an aisle. But here come the peasants. I mean passengers. I start our game. As I see them come down the aisle certain ones catch my attention. Like the person that weighs close to 500 lbs. Let’s spin the wheel and see if it lands on enormous fat person sitting next to me. Whew….it landed on free spin. That was lucky. OK, normal person, normal person, ooops. Time to spin again. This time we’re hoping it doesn’t land on mom with screaming baby. Or anywhere close to that space. Whew….dodged another bullet. Here we go again. We’re now playing for the idiot talking really loud on his cell phone. Missed again. Next spin is someone who looks like they would really smell bad. Missed again. By some miracle, I win the game and have an empty seat next to me. I do have an old guy behind me who is trying to work the touch screen TV and thinks it’s a hit it as hard as you can with your hand screen TV.

But in reality, I really lost the game. Or I should say I forfeited.

I am talking to the flight attendant in the first class galley about ½ way through the flight and here comes this guy. He says to the flight attendant, Uh, I need to talk to you about something very important. He says that his seat doesn’t recline. That’s because he’s in a seat right in front of the exit row. Oh he says. Well the problem is that the lady in front of him has her seat all the way back, he can’t put his back and her huge hair is 1/8 of an inch from his nose. And I can tell he’s getting ready to have a hissy fit. So I tell him, just take my seat, it’s on the aisle. Uhhhh, where are you sitting, he asks? Uhhhhh, right in front of you. A very observant guy. He thanks me profusely and I go to the back galley and stand for two hours so I don’t have hair in my face.

And that’s how we play…..Airplane Wheel of Fortune

Why is Obama Black?

Why is Obama black?

Obama is 50% African and 50% snow white. His father was a real live African and his mother is white as you can be. So if it’s 50-50, then why is he so adamant about identifying with the African American community? What if he was 32% black or 26%. What percent of black blood makes a person black? And who cares?

I asked my black work out partner why Obama is black. He said because of his skin color. I guess I knew that. There is no way white America would ever allow him to say he’s white. But it just seems really racist on Obama’s part to say he’s black, because he’s not. If he said he’s white that wouldn’t be true either. Obama is not going to be the first black president. He might be the first president with 50% black in him but that doesn’t sound quite right. Since Obama’s campaign thinks race is so important, what they need to do is not say anything about race and whenever he speaks or is in public, have a boom box at his side playing Cher singing “half breed, that’s all I ever heard, half breed, it’s such an ugly word.”

Congress needs to establish what percentage, by law, makes a person black. Maybe 38.2%. And then all candidates for president would have to undergo DNA testing to determine the exact mixture of their race. That way, since it’s so important to all of us, there would be truth in advertising. The bubbas would know that they were voting for only ½ a black man and we would have known for sure that Bush was genetically a 100% dumbass.

Driver's Education

I'm at a stop light today and there is a driver's training car next to me. The driver is 15-16 year old female with her hands at 10 and 2 o'clock on the steering wheel. She is having an animated conversation with her instructor who is on work release from the Shady Pines Rest Home. He had to be 90 years old.

There was nothing even remotely real world about this driver's training.

To conduct realistic training she should:

Only steer the car using her knees

With the right hand text her friends on her cellphone

With the left hand apply makeup

In her mouth there should be a lit cigarette

she should have a bluetooth headset in her ear and she should be having a heated argument with her boyfriend

every so often, put the make up brush down and take a bite of the #7 combo meal sitting on the passenger seat

oh, and drive really really fast and occasionally signal with her middle finger.

and don't forget liberal doses of the horn

Now that would be much more realistic training

Which David?

Well, the most holy day in all Tv-dom was last night. This year's American Idol finale. And David Cook won.

The show was OK. They bring out guest performers like George Michael, Donna Summers, Bryan Adams. They're all promoting new music that no one cares about. And there were some entertaining moments. Like when the sound guy can't get the right mic turned on. Or when the sound guy has the recording of people screaming and cheering and at the same time they're showing a shot of the live audience in total silence. Fun stuff like that. The camera work used to be really hideous but they seem to have worked that out this year. Judges Randy and Paula evidently didn't talk to each other before the show because they both had bright red outfits on. They were sitting next to each other and it looked like one big stop light. Simon had the only clothes he owns on....black.

But the big disappointment was that the 17 year old David Archuletta didn't win. Because if he did, he would have hyperventilated into some kind of comatose state which would have required paramedics, banging on his chest, a cut down tray (I watch ER) and all kinds of cool things on stage. But no. Smug as a bug David Cook won. He cried a little for the cameras but it wasn't that good at all. Archuletta would have been much better TV. Too bad they didn't show Archuletta's psycho dad beating him when he didn't win. No food for you!

Oil at $134/barrel

Remember the good old days when oil was $100/barrel?

When Delta was in bankruptcy, we were told that our business plan was based on $80/barrel oil. Now it's $134. A $3 increase in one day. And there is no rational explanation for the rapid rise.

Today, American Airlines announced it is going to charge $15 for the first piece of checked luggage. It think that is rediculous. There is nothing the consumer hates more than being nickled and dimed to death. Charge what you need to cover your costs and make money and let me bring a bag on for free. Well not for free....included in the price of my ticket. The carry on luggage mayhem that this is going to cause is not going to be pretty.

Passengers are going to get even more ugly. I was deadheading (travelling as a passenger at the request of the company) the other day to New York. I'm in the back of an MD-88 ( a lovely airplane...not) in third class trying to get to the lavatory before take-off. The airplane is still being boarded and I, in uniform, am assisting two foreigners who are trying to cram their 100 lb suit case, a chicken and a goat into the overhead bin. It wasn't going to fit. As I am helping them, this man sitting next to the engine with no window is staring at me. He is in the worst seat of almost any airliner. The noise is deafening and the seat just sucks. So he is mumbling something and then says to me, "see, they cancelled my flight, put me on this airplane and in this crappy seat. This is why I don't fly Delta anymore". I wanted to say, "well evidently you still do fly Delta or would you like for me to help you find the front door that you came in?" But I didn't say that...I was too busy trying to get the suitcase, a goat and a chicken in the overhead for these dern foreigners.